J. C. Robinson
Dearest Friends and Family,
I am sure at this moment you are a bit confused as to why you are receiving this letter, about why things played out as they did, about why you are being asked to read this letter at our funeral at exactly 1:18 p.m. I didn’t know things would play out this way either, but I can tell you that I am HAPPY that they did.
HAPPY. That’s really what all of this is about. I’ve found happiness. Now, you might be thinking that I couldn’t possibly be happy, but you are wrong.
My marriage to James is flawless. Every day he makes me smile, and every day I realize I am the luckiest of men. We eat dinner together, we clean together, we hike and read and sing together. The sex is amazing. I mean the orgasms…you wouldn’t believe how good they can be. That is why I had to poison him last night. I had to kill him because I am HAPPY.
Work is wonderful too. After three years at the firm, I am making great money, not working overly long hours, and I truly enjoy what I do. That is why I had to resign my position yesterday. I had to quit because I am HAPPY.
Our dog, Denver, has been an incomparable addition to our family as well. He plays fetch, he snuggles, he looks after us and our son, Beau. Denver is the best dog anyone could ever ask for, and that is why I had to break his neck. I had to snap Denver’s neck because I am HAPPY.
Speaking of Beau, my god, how could I be any HAPPIER? Two long years it took James and I to adopt Beau. Can you believe that? We are finally that quaint, happy family: two loving dads, a son as perfect as a baby can be, and a dog. Does it get any better than that? I really don’t think so. That’s why I had to hold Beau under the bathwater last night until he ceased moving. I had to drown Beau because I am HAPPY.
And our house. Just wow. For eight years James and I have been together, and for six of those years we have admired this home. It’s the perfect home. The light blue paint, the size, the luscious garden in front. We knew that this was the home we had to have. That is why I had to destroy our home. I had to burn down our house because I am HAPPY.
Now, don’t stop reading. These are not the ramblings of someone in the midst of a psychotic episode, some murderous rampage. I know that at this moment you are probably asking yourself: What kind of HAPPY person would do all this? But the answer is obvious, at least to me. I am HAPPY, and I want to be HAPPY forever. I had to swallow the end of my Smith & Wesson last night so that I could stay HAPPY forever.
You see, at the moment I killed my husband, I loved him more than I ever could in the future. Marriage is hard and there would have undoubtedly been rocky patches, sadness, anger, words better left unspoken. Now that he’s dead, our marriage will forever be as perfect and HAPPY as it ever could have been.
If I had stayed in my job with the firm, I would have eventually grown bitter, resentful, burnt-out, just like all of the partners at the firm. I would have grown to hate my job. But now that I have quit, I will forever have loved the work I did. My memories of my time spent with the firm will forever be HAPPY memories.
Denver, while perfect now, would have grown old, slow. His joints would become painful, and he wouldn’t be able to fetch as perfectly as he could now. His eyesight would fail, his hearing would become overly sensitive, and he would start barking at things that aren’t there, being fearful of the normal things around him. Now that he is dead, he will be perfect forever; the only time we have spent with him now is HAPPY time.
Beau, my beautiful baby boy. He was, is, the perfect son, the sweetest, cutest. All of the moments in his short life were HAPPY moments. If he had grown up, he would have learned of stress, sadness, angst. He would have been bullied in school for having two dads. He would have faced a broken heart from his first big breakup; he would have had to grow old and watch his friends die someday. I have saved him from all of that. He and I will never argue or get upset with each other; all our times together were, and will forever remain, HAPPY times.
You see, now, my husband, son, dog, and I can forever remain HAPPY, even in death. We will never grow old and feeble. We will never grow apart. We can forever continue as the HAPPIEST of families. My life was at the pinnacle of HAPPINESS, and I know I would never be as HAPPY as I am now, ever again in the future. Why continue forward if you know you have already lived out the greatest, the HAPPIEST, of your days? So many people do, and that is why they grow old and miserable.
As you read this, you are sitting at the funeral of Henry, James, and Beau Stetson. You are all here because you were, are, our best friends, our closest family members. I love you all very much, and I am so HAPPY to have had all of you in our lives. And because of how grateful I am that you were in our lives, I want you to all be HAPPY forever as well. So, if all is on track, this letter should have taken you approximately four minutes to read. That means it is about 1:22 p.m. at this moment. At 1:23 p.m., the bomb beneath the floor will go off, and then we can all be HAPPY together, forever. See you all very soon. Don’t be scared, don’t be sad, be HAPPY.
J.C. Robinson is a full-time law student, part-time writer. His debut novel, The Diner, was published in March 2021, and he’s currently working on a second novel while preparing to take the bar exam. J.C. is gay and loves reading horror from queer authors. Find him on Twitter: @jcr_scribe